A Bottle of Red, A Bottle of White, and a Handle of Whiskey

Tits for Tat's first Book Review

While some may say that after I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell and Dear Vodka, It's Me Chelsea, another witty book about a douche bag's experience with alcohol isn't necessary. But Skylar Alternativowski proves the naysayers wrong.

This book has it all: sarcasm, cynicism, irony, uhh, that thing where you put two things that are opposite next to each other. It's so funny!

For example, at one point Alternativowski regails us with a story about this time he was in Nebraska. Nebraska?! What was SKYLAR ALTERNATIVOWSKI doing in Nebraska?!?!?! Already I'm laughing. But then he goes on to tell a story about a woman who told him that some people don't deserve to live. Just in casual conversation she tells him this. Can you imagine?! Oh man.

And the madness doesn't stop there. Alternativowski spends roughly 10 pages mocking hipster assholes whose description almost perfectly matches himself. He criticizes hipsters for talking about using acid and other designer drugs, but look at the G-D title of the book. Such irony!!!

Drop what you are doing and go to your nearest Barnes and Nobles (cuz Borders is closed) and shell out $16.99 for this motherfucking book!

THE POSTER SALE IS IN TOWN

Call me an anti-semite but I hate an empty wall. Nothing but paint and shadows; reminding me that I better not tape or tack anything to it otherwise I might not get my security deposit back. Well fuck that, in the words of my co-blogger A. Hanley as we carried 24 Buffalo Wild Wings into my apartment, "We're already fucked." I think my landlord's going to notice that my carpet is now 50% beer, whisky, vomit, and tears before he notices a nail in the wall.

Seriously you guys: the poster sale is top-notch this year. There are three new prints of Bob Marley. One where he's looking up to heaven surrounded by mist and the words, "One Love." Another where he's in a reggae hat smoking a joint WHILE smiling. And finally, one where there are three little birds sitting outside his window.

And if Bob M. aint your thing, there's a new Bob D. poster. Now, my co-blogger A. Hanley has a very fine poster of the man with the quotation, "I accept chaos, but I don't know if chaos accepts me." And that's all well and good, but A. Han might be tempted to dump the zero and get with a hero this year at the poster sale because there is a new print with the quotation, "Come in, she said, I'll give ya shelter from the storm."

But don't worry, even if you're a complete tool there are plenty of posters for you! For example, whoever said 4 Scarface posters are 4 too many? Get yourself another! And for the real hip hop fans out there, how about a Lil' Wayne close up?Cooliooolio!

So anyway, just get yourself down to the poster sale. After all, they're not just posters, they're freedom markers: middle fingers to Landlords and Landladies everywhere. KEEP THE CHANGE, MOTHER FUCKERS.

GOOGLE TO CHANGE LOGO FOR HISTORY'S LESS POPULAR CHARACTERS

Were you a fan of the Father's Day Google Logo? How about the Les Paul guitar?

Well then you're going to love Google's head nod to history's pariahs! Google will now be honoring such assholes as Ed Gein, Jim Jones, Joseph Stalin, that woman who Charlize Theron played in Monster, Balloon Boy's dad, and Bush.

Know what January 9th is? It's Nixon's birthday, and now you won't have to program that into your iPad to remember, because Google is going to create a Watergate themed logo for the day.

How about October 23, 2004? You guessed it: The day Ashley Simpson lip synced on SNL.

Now we can all remember what scandals and horrors took place on what day, just like we can with the good things that happen. Bi-partisanship FTW!

And you're not gonna believe what they've got up their sleeves for 4/20.

SEX IN THE MORNING, NO INTERRUPTIONS.

Stephanie Meyer—that sassy Mormon known by sweaty, suburban mouth-breathers all across American’s suburbs has checked herself into rehab for nymphomania. YES, THAT’S THE TICKET, FOLKS—SEX ADDICTION!

Anyone who’s read even three pages of that devil series, however, can attest to the fact that the woman is SEXUALLY. DISTURBED. Any person who describes getting all hot and bothered by a floor-length khaki skirt and button up denim is clearly harboring some ill sexual will.

Not to worry, though, to all of you whom insist upon tearing through the pages of Meyers’ empire of broody-yet-glittery vampire angst and homoerotic werewolf fight scenes like it was one of those fucking cereal boxes with the prizes at the bottom. Meyer, upon entering a private rehabilitation facility in Palos Verdes, did promise readers to stay tuned because—sex addiction or not—she is committed to continuing the epic romance that is Edmund and Beatrice (Edgar and Bailey? Eduardo and Betsy?). She has indeed promised that she “will sacrifice none of the hot-n-steamy scenes that make my literary heap of trash worth reading.”

Though Meyer did not disclose the nature of her certainly-kinky addiction (virginity fetishist, anyone?!), certainly Bels & Eddie’s relationship will beautifully embody and manifest all of the nasty, nasty fantasies Meyer will work out in rehab.

Stay tuned, tweens! And get ready to ruin a perfectly good tube sock.

STEPHEN KING TO HOST SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Yes--It's true. It's finally here!

The famous horror novelist and Maine resident, Steven King, is set to host Saturday Night Live later this month. When the acclaimed writer was asked to host the show he said, "Absolutely! I can't wait!" He told reporters that he had been waiting a long time for the late night show to ask him to host, and had watched the show religiously since its genesis.

Details about the show are still tentative, but producer Lorne Michaels has said that they plan to make as few car accident jokes as possible, and to focus more on parodies of his novels. "I can't tell you much, but we were thinking of making the clown from "It" a flamboyant gay man," Michaels confessed. He added "We're still bouncing around ideas, but we're definitely going to make one of his characters a flamboyant gay man."

While many people wonder how the man often described as, "More frightening than all of his characters combined" will do on the comedy show, we here at Tits for Tat believe he will do a stand-up job!

Some of King's most famous novels include, Carrie, It, Christine, and The Shining. Several of his novels have also been made into movies directed by such famous authors as Stanley Kubrick and Brian de Palma.

WHAT I WOULD DO

DEAR DOG ABUSERS AND PUPPY ABUSERS:

IF YOU ANSWER YES TO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING, THEN...
1. I LIKE TO KICK DOGS
2. I LIKE TO STARVE DOGS
3. I LIKE TO STAB OR SHOOT DOGS

...I WILL END YOU. DO NOT DOUBT THAT I WILL PUT YOU INTO A ROOM IN WHICH THE WALLS SLOWLY CLOSE IN ON YOU. AND THEN AT THE LAST MINUTE SPIKES COME. SO MAYBE YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD MORE THAN FIVE MINUTES LEFT TO LIVE. BUT YOU ACTUALLY HAVE 2 MINUTES BECAUSE SPIKES JUST CAME OUT OF THE WALL.

THIS ROOM EXISTS IN A SMALL ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT IN THE SOUTH SIDE OF CHICAGO (THE BADDEST PART OF TOWN). IT IS OMINOUS AS FUCK.

OH, AND IF YOU ESCAPE DONT THINK YOU'VE ESCAPED. I WILL KILL YOU I WILL END YOU. DONE. FUCK. SHIT.

-V.SHAHEEN.

Titz or GTFUCKO

We just want to open this here blog by laying down a few ground rules. One to be specific: Lets see tits or get the FUCK out.

That being said, we're writing this blog because we have this deranged idea that we could write for The Onion. We're always overreacting to bullshit so you KNOW we're funny.

Anyway, stay tuned.