Friday

Wedding toasts about suicides

Whenever anyone's chewing gum, make it seem like they're eating a meal.

Valentine's Inspiration

For some reason I just thought of like, three amazing jokes.

(These only work on Valentine's Day)

1. While walking around a well-populated area, stop abruptly as though you were just hit by a rock, say "Owwww," look around in the sky yelling "Cupid got me!" Then, at the next person you make eye contact with, explain that you are now soulmates and grab their hand.

2. Impromptu Valentine's Day flash mob that never becomes a mob, and is just you dancing around enthusiastically hoping others will join.

3. Go up to some random person of the opposite sex who is holding flowers and/or chocolate and insist that they are for you. "You remembered!"

4. Go up to a random couple that is having a nice Valentines moment and mime puking or something equally bitter.

5. This I might make into a full fledged book one day: Did you ever read that Dr. Seuss book "Are You My Mother?" Well I want to make a book called "Are You My Boyfriend?"