SEX IN THE MORNING, NO INTERRUPTIONS.

Stephanie Meyer—that sassy Mormon known by sweaty, suburban mouth-breathers all across American’s suburbs has checked herself into rehab for nymphomania. YES, THAT’S THE TICKET, FOLKS—SEX ADDICTION!

Anyone who’s read even three pages of that devil series, however, can attest to the fact that the woman is SEXUALLY. DISTURBED. Any person who describes getting all hot and bothered by a floor-length khaki skirt and button up denim is clearly harboring some ill sexual will.

Not to worry, though, to all of you whom insist upon tearing through the pages of Meyers’ empire of broody-yet-glittery vampire angst and homoerotic werewolf fight scenes like it was one of those fucking cereal boxes with the prizes at the bottom. Meyer, upon entering a private rehabilitation facility in Palos Verdes, did promise readers to stay tuned because—sex addiction or not—she is committed to continuing the epic romance that is Edmund and Beatrice (Edgar and Bailey? Eduardo and Betsy?). She has indeed promised that she “will sacrifice none of the hot-n-steamy scenes that make my literary heap of trash worth reading.”

Though Meyer did not disclose the nature of her certainly-kinky addiction (virginity fetishist, anyone?!), certainly Bels & Eddie’s relationship will beautifully embody and manifest all of the nasty, nasty fantasies Meyer will work out in rehab.

Stay tuned, tweens! And get ready to ruin a perfectly good tube sock.

STEPHEN KING TO HOST SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Yes--It's true. It's finally here!

The famous horror novelist and Maine resident, Steven King, is set to host Saturday Night Live later this month. When the acclaimed writer was asked to host the show he said, "Absolutely! I can't wait!" He told reporters that he had been waiting a long time for the late night show to ask him to host, and had watched the show religiously since its genesis.

Details about the show are still tentative, but producer Lorne Michaels has said that they plan to make as few car accident jokes as possible, and to focus more on parodies of his novels. "I can't tell you much, but we were thinking of making the clown from "It" a flamboyant gay man," Michaels confessed. He added "We're still bouncing around ideas, but we're definitely going to make one of his characters a flamboyant gay man."

While many people wonder how the man often described as, "More frightening than all of his characters combined" will do on the comedy show, we here at Tits for Tat believe he will do a stand-up job!

Some of King's most famous novels include, Carrie, It, Christine, and The Shining. Several of his novels have also been made into movies directed by such famous authors as Stanley Kubrick and Brian de Palma.

WHAT I WOULD DO

DEAR DOG ABUSERS AND PUPPY ABUSERS:

IF YOU ANSWER YES TO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING, THEN...
1. I LIKE TO KICK DOGS
2. I LIKE TO STARVE DOGS
3. I LIKE TO STAB OR SHOOT DOGS

...I WILL END YOU. DO NOT DOUBT THAT I WILL PUT YOU INTO A ROOM IN WHICH THE WALLS SLOWLY CLOSE IN ON YOU. AND THEN AT THE LAST MINUTE SPIKES COME. SO MAYBE YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD MORE THAN FIVE MINUTES LEFT TO LIVE. BUT YOU ACTUALLY HAVE 2 MINUTES BECAUSE SPIKES JUST CAME OUT OF THE WALL.

THIS ROOM EXISTS IN A SMALL ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT IN THE SOUTH SIDE OF CHICAGO (THE BADDEST PART OF TOWN). IT IS OMINOUS AS FUCK.

OH, AND IF YOU ESCAPE DONT THINK YOU'VE ESCAPED. I WILL KILL YOU I WILL END YOU. DONE. FUCK. SHIT.

-V.SHAHEEN.