Facebook Relationship Statuses

Currently the relationship options on Facebook are single, it's complicated, in a relationship, engaged, and married.

None of these apply to you?

Well you'll be glad to hear that Facebook is finally broadening its definition of relationship. Starting in September users will be able to choose from On the Rocks with, Like Two Ships Passing in the Night with, Always Walking on Eggshells around, and Fanfuckingtastic with.

Many people are wondering if the new options were even necessary. "What's next?" said Tea Party Leader Tim McNull, "20 relationship statuses?!!?!?!."

Though McNull went on to foam at the mouth for fifteen minutes, many are speculating that several more statuses will, in fact, be added. Of those predicted include, Wishy Washy with, Ehhhhh with, Hanging on by a thread with, and Like She doesn't Know He's Gay.

Friday

Wedding toasts about suicides

Whenever anyone's chewing gum, make it seem like they're eating a meal.

Valentine's Inspiration

For some reason I just thought of like, three amazing jokes.

(These only work on Valentine's Day)

1. While walking around a well-populated area, stop abruptly as though you were just hit by a rock, say "Owwww," look around in the sky yelling "Cupid got me!" Then, at the next person you make eye contact with, explain that you are now soulmates and grab their hand.

2. Impromptu Valentine's Day flash mob that never becomes a mob, and is just you dancing around enthusiastically hoping others will join.

3. Go up to some random person of the opposite sex who is holding flowers and/or chocolate and insist that they are for you. "You remembered!"

4. Go up to a random couple that is having a nice Valentines moment and mime puking or something equally bitter.

5. This I might make into a full fledged book one day: Did you ever read that Dr. Seuss book "Are You My Mother?" Well I want to make a book called "Are You My Boyfriend?"

Man Goes On Month Long Bender, Still Tries to Make End of Year Music List

A Detroit man who went missing just after Christmas has been found thanks to a blog post. According to sources, the man, Jim Burke, was last seen chugging leftover Christmas eggnog and doing peppermint schnapps in his friend's apartment. Family members became concerned when no one had heard from him in a week. A search party was thereafter assembled.

The search ended Monday when it was discovered that Burke had updated his blog. Family and friends were amazed when they found a severely hung over Burke sitting at his computer, scrolling through his iTunes. "We rushed to his side to give him a hug," said sister, Emily Burke, "saying things like, 'We were so worried!' you know? But he didn't seem to care, he just pushed us away and saying he had to be the first to say Bon Iver's new album was the best album of the year."

In addition to Bon Iver's album, Burke also included Adele's 21, Watch The Throne, Anything by Led Zepp, That jingle from that commercial about going to college online, Anything by Van Morrison, and a Big Mac. According to friends and family Burke simply passed out on the keyboard after publishing the list.

No word yet on the best movies of 2011.

Hundreds of College Students Feign Compassion for Speaker

Milwaukee-- At Marquette University, Monday, January 23rd, hundreds of undergraduates gathered to listen to an alumnus, Nancy Pulaski, speak about her experience working in a rural Chinese community. "It's funny," Pulaski began while eyeing her coffee and smiling absent-mindedly, "This is the first cup of coffee I've had since I got back from China." Some students turned to their friends in "shock," while the others froze their faces in a concerned frown--a lazy attempt to hide the fact that they were simply zoning out. "I get extra credit for being here," said Hayley Oswalt who quickly added, "but it's an honor to hear such an amazing story." All of the students were full of reactions like, "What a struggle!" and "I could never do that!" When Pulaski finally ended her speech with the harrowing tale of how she had to act as midwife to teenager, the crowd clapped in zombie-like unison. "I'm just glad I got to tell my story," said Pulaski, again eyeing her coffee in that strange way. "Can you summarize that for me," said several students as they walked out of the auditorium, "I've gotta write 500 words on it."

STOP PIRACY NOT LIBERTY

Yep, it's true.

We're blacking out for this here fad.

CALM DOWN THOUGH. Before you go stock up on dried food and water, and hunker down in your basement for the internet-apocalypse, you should contact your congress peeps.

RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE.